Do you ever go through times when you feel blah and stressed and sad? If you said no then you are a liar. Or a zombie. I'm in one of those funks and it's not the best time for this to happen. Quinne is about to be one and I have no time to sulk around in my own unhappiness. I want to be as present and on top of capturing her as possible and this feeling is not helping. I don't want to go on and on about poor me rantings, but there are some things that are bringing me down and I have to get them off my chest. And then maybe I'll feel better? We'll see!
After I had Quinne I started experiencing extreme lower back pain that would send spasms throughout my back. Twice at work it has thrown me to my knees in the most dramatic fashion causing multiple people to run to my side and carry me to a seat. How annoying and totally embarrassing. At the doctors she told me it could be a tumor. Oh, no big deal just a tumor. WTF?!?! Not something you casually tell an anxious, tiny bit crazy new mom. My life flashed before my eyes as I sat on a crinkly, cold piece of butcher paper in a dirty room. I was at a real dr. office, I swear! Time went on and nothing has helped. Exercise, stretching, electroshock, ice, heating pads, so much ibuprofen it's nuts. So now I have to get an MRI. I'm nervous about this. I'm claustrophobic and terrified of bad news.
Ever since having Quinne I tend to dread the "what ifs" in life. I lay in bed and imagine people dying. People that I love so much it hurts. My family getting sick or hurt, David getting in car accidents(because I know how he drives), friends not being apart of my life anymore. You name it I've obsessed over it late in the night. My heart beats fast and I feel sweaty and sick. But the worst fear of all is me not being there for Quinne. It is my deepest, saddest fear. Imagining her growing up without me is almost too hard to type out the words. And it's selfish to admit. I don't want to miss out on her life. Because if she is this amazing at such a young age how cool and amazing is she going to be in ten years, or twenty five years? I would be so sad if I never got the opportunity to see her grow up into the person she is going to be. All the good, bad, hard and breathtakingly wonderful moments.
I know that this this no way to live. Living in fear that you will not be around for all the times you so dearly want to be apart of. And I tell myself every time I start to panic and get ahead of myself that this is silly and a waste of time and energy. But I swear once I start it's a vicious cycle and before I know it I've convinced myself that yes, I do have a tumor and Quinne will grow up without me. There are so many things that happen to you after having a baby and I wasn't prepared for the anxiety and insomnia that I experience now. I wish that I was stronger and able to push ridiculous scenarios and totally crazy thoughts out of my head. I'm a major work in progress and hopefully over time these thoughts will dissipate into nothing. I can only hope and pray when I feel sad and weak.
In the mean time I'm going to up my hiking and outdoor time, which always brings a moment of clarity and a jump in my step. Also I'm going to detox. I eat way too many treats and need to get back on track with healthy foods. I really notice a difference when fruits and veggies make up most of my diet. Enough of this downer of a post. I need to snap out of it because I have a baby that melts my heart and wants to play.
Love,
Noelle
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