a mom moment...

I broke down today and packed all of Quinnes three month clothes.  My heart hurt folding away those tiny onesies and miniature jammies, knowing that I might never use them again.  Its so funny that putting away clothes caused so many emotions.  (Well, not that funny, I'm a tad bit emotional about everything!)   I've been procrastinating on doing this for weeks.  When my mom mentioned that the whole top drawer was busting full of three month clothes I knew I had to get my butt in gear!  It was time.  I probably took twice as long as it should, but I couldn't help holding up the outfits and showing Quinne how little she was just a short time ago.  

 I'm guessing the main reason I was holding off is because it's really hard to admit your baby is growing up.  I realize that Quinne is only four months old, but one day she'll be 6 then 14 and then in her 20's.  Aaahhh I can barely write that without getting a lump in my throat.  Here we are playing with stuffed animals, the next thing you know I'll be listening in on her phone conversations, breathing into a towel so my secret isn't revealed.  As much as I'd love to have a pause button on life it's just not gonna happen.  Boo.  There are moments when I'm holding Quinne and have this overwhelming wave of love and fear come over me all at once.  I hold onto her and hope that one day she knows how much I love her.  Such unconditional love it hurts.  My fear is that she won't like me.  It sounds a bit stupid putting that out here, but it really does scare me.  There were years when I was a crap face to my mom and I'm dreading her being like me.  Sure I was a "good girl" in the sense that I was terrified of boys, made up dance routines to the Spice Girls and wore overalls, but I was crazy dramatic and said I hate you multiple times a week.  Ouch.   I don't think I can handle that sass.  Not without a case of wine on hand at all times.  

To enjoy every moment with my sweet girl is all I can ask for.  One day I hope she looks back on our lives together and has warm special memories.  I've been given the greatest gift I believe a person can get.  To love on a baby, a baby that will call me mommy one day.

My dearest Quinne I love you to the moon...

have a good week out there...

I found new apps on my phone that I'm lovin.. picstitch and phonto are my new bestfriends.  I basically feel like I'm a really good photographer using things like Instagram.  I'm not at all, but let's pretend shall we?  

The weather here on the west coast is straight up bipolar. 

On Wednesday it was 84 degrees.  What the WHAT thats nuts!! It's February remember?  So we decided to leave the house chores in the dust(not that different from most days) and head to the local dog beach.  Sounds like a great idea until you pull up and the dogs start losing their you know what, clawing and scratching the windows and wedging themselves between your seat and the door, that you realize this really isn't going to be that much fun.  Trying to control two little freaks on a leash is really hard!  And add in a little babe to the mix, well shoot me now.  It probably wouldn't be that big of a deal but for some reason as soon as we let the pups off their leash they turn into deaf monsters out to ruin every other dogs day.   Charlie(the white one) runs after every big dog that is playing fetch peacefully with their owner.  Im sure that big dog just wants to be left alone, endlessly chasing the nasty ass ball they so dearly love.  But no Charlie chases and gets in the way only annoying the dog and owner.  Meanwhile I'm screaming bloody murder for her to follow us.  People probably shake their heads and make comments about keeping your dog on a leash and whatnot.  It's just too stressful.  I clearly need to take a chill pill.  Needless to say we only lasted about half and hour.  But we were able to get some cute pictures of Quinney in super cute beach day attire! Woohoo!!

Then the weather decided to have a bad day and dropped to 50 degrees two days later.  I have to admit I love the fog and chill.  It makes the guilt(not really) of staying in my leggings and robe all day not so bad.  

at least one of us got dressed!

doing what they do best...begging

cheerio!!

  

four month update

Doctors visits are not my favorite thing.  I love being able to talk to our pediatrician and ask all the questions that every new mom asks.  You know, "when will she start sleeping?" and "how do I get her to take a nap?" Im sure she is laughing in her head at these desperate questions, because we all know that there is no answer!!  I sometimes daydream that she's going to hand me a special potion like we live at Hogwarts or something.  The thing I hate about that office is the dreaded shots.  Seeing Quinne on that bed in just her diaper trying to eat her toes is so sweet, completely oblivious to the fact that a stranger is going to come in and stab her with FOUR needles.. So sad.. I wish is was a strong mom that stood by her and rubbed her little head, but I just can't bare it.  David has to come with me to her appointments and do all the dirty work while I sit in the chair off to the side rocking and humming as if it will block out the screams.  I know that one day David won't be able to come and I'll have to man-up but until then my rocking will do.

growing baby: 16.1 pounds 90th percentile
                          26 inches long 95th percentile

hobbies:  you try to put everything in your mouth
                rocking from side to side (and getting stuck)
                you make the cutest little noises that make us so happy! babbles and
                  sticking your tongue out..oh i just love it
                reaching for your toes and almost holding on
                refusing to sleep and take naps..a sad sad thing
                just being super cute!!

Its February and we can hardly call it winter.  Its been on average 65 degrees.  Not cool for the water reserves and the fact that we're basically in a drought.  But oh well I like it, and so does Quinne..

enjoying a beautiful day at grandma and grandpas

yep, eating everything!

have a great day

The first of many...

Up until this point I have been a crazy freak of a mom. Seriously it's true. Last February we found out I was pregnant and I had a really rough 8 months to follow. Being pregnant was not a cup of tea for me. I was really sick for the first and last trimester and had The Worst acid reflux you could ever imagine. And the physical part wasn't even as bad as the emotional rollar coaster I was riding(poor David) I was a sobbing, hysterical hot mess. I don't want to say it was hell on earth, but pretty close. All I wanted was to have our baby so I wouldn't be pregnant anymore...

 Little did I know that a newborn is really hard work!! What a dummy. I had pretty bad postpartum the first three months of Quinnes life. She was amazing and perfect. I was so blessed to have a healthy baby but I was still a sad bump on a log. Hormones are a bitch and they really tried to kill me. There were so many nights I would be a ball on the floor crying from being so tired and overwhelmed. Thank God David is a sane, patient person because I was losing it big time. Single moms out there are the most amazing women!! Seriously how do you do it? Amazing.

 Up until now I have been a crazy person. Well I'm always a little nuts. But now I finally feel capable. This is still just the beginning and I have so much more to learn and so much growing to do, but I actually feel like I will survive. Sure Im tired. So very tired. But I know that time flies by too fast and one day I'm going to miss the smell of spit up so I'm going to appreciate everyday we get to have with sweet little Quinney.. I've decided to document our journey. That way our friends and family near and far can follow along. It should be pretty fun!

are you kidding me?? how cute is that face

the best dad 

i want to kiss that face all day

thanks for stopping by!