a mom moment...

I broke down today and packed all of Quinnes three month clothes.  My heart hurt folding away those tiny onesies and miniature jammies, knowing that I might never use them again.  Its so funny that putting away clothes caused so many emotions.  (Well, not that funny, I'm a tad bit emotional about everything!)   I've been procrastinating on doing this for weeks.  When my mom mentioned that the whole top drawer was busting full of three month clothes I knew I had to get my butt in gear!  It was time.  I probably took twice as long as it should, but I couldn't help holding up the outfits and showing Quinne how little she was just a short time ago.  

 I'm guessing the main reason I was holding off is because it's really hard to admit your baby is growing up.  I realize that Quinne is only four months old, but one day she'll be 6 then 14 and then in her 20's.  Aaahhh I can barely write that without getting a lump in my throat.  Here we are playing with stuffed animals, the next thing you know I'll be listening in on her phone conversations, breathing into a towel so my secret isn't revealed.  As much as I'd love to have a pause button on life it's just not gonna happen.  Boo.  There are moments when I'm holding Quinne and have this overwhelming wave of love and fear come over me all at once.  I hold onto her and hope that one day she knows how much I love her.  Such unconditional love it hurts.  My fear is that she won't like me.  It sounds a bit stupid putting that out here, but it really does scare me.  There were years when I was a crap face to my mom and I'm dreading her being like me.  Sure I was a "good girl" in the sense that I was terrified of boys, made up dance routines to the Spice Girls and wore overalls, but I was crazy dramatic and said I hate you multiple times a week.  Ouch.   I don't think I can handle that sass.  Not without a case of wine on hand at all times.  

To enjoy every moment with my sweet girl is all I can ask for.  One day I hope she looks back on our lives together and has warm special memories.  I've been given the greatest gift I believe a person can get.  To love on a baby, a baby that will call me mommy one day.

My dearest Quinne I love you to the moon...

have a good week out there...