new territory

I am here again admitting to the lack of knowledge I possess when in comes to the timeline of a baby.  Maybe it's not a lack of knowledge but a genuine shock as to how fast they grow and change.  Last week I was in a state of shock towards the behavior of my girl.  She took a turn for the worst it appears and is suddenly aggressive.  Hitting and the word 'no' have become her favorite hobbies.  And major sass on top of that makes me want to run away to Target and sip my latte browsing every row, spending money I shouldn't to make myself feel better.  That may or may not've happened.

I guess I didn't realize that we would be dealing with this at such a young age.  I spent last week in a state of depression convinced my kid hated me.  I was so alone and really emotional.  It's so difficult to not take offense when your baby hits you.  At least for me it is, and I know I'm highly sensitive, but when she's running at me with her miniature arm up and ready to swat me I want to cry.  It's the most confusing thing to deal with.  I reached out to some clients hoping to get some good advice and I was told that maybe she should see a child psychologist, maybe I should bite her back, or maybe I should spank her.  You can only imagine my horror.  A child psychologist?!  What the hell.  She's not insane, just a little feisty.  I don't think I could consciously bite her and not want to punish myself for the rest of my life.  And spanking is very controversial topic, come to find out, but not the path that we are planning on going down.  Needless to say I was left more confused and worried.

Then my dearest friend Jill was talking about this with me and she made such a great observation about this strange and challenging time.  She called it the 'gray' area.  The area that comes after they are so dependent on us but before they are able to use their words to tell us what is going on.  It's the perfect word and brought me a lot of peace.  For some reason I was able to visualize this 'gray' and it suddenly made sense.   I'm struggling to communicate with Quinne who is not able to talk but can understand a lot of what I'm saying and that must be just as frustrating to her.  She's probably thinking I'm a big dummy most of the time, trying to figure out what she wants or needs.  I'm so happy I was able to talk to a normal person and get normal advise!

I know this is far from over and David and I have a wild girl on our hands, but for now I'm going to take one day at a time and calm down.  I need to remember that this won't last forever.  One day she will have so many words I'll be wishing for some quiet time, and we'll be able to communicate on a bigger scale.  I hope to show Quinne how to be a good, nice person and that hitting your friends isn't cool.  

One day at a time.

16 months

Holy cow I haven't done an update in way too long.  So much has changed in the last few months and Quinne is growing way too fast.  It sort of breaks my heart.

growing babe
At her last appointment she was 24 pounds and 30 inches long.  Which put her at the low end of the percentage game.  Her whole life she was in the 98 percentile and I was so happy that she was fat and healthy.  When David told me she was not in the lowest I immediately was worried.  She doesn't eat huge amounts of anything and I started to fear I wasn't feeding her enough.  The doctor summed it up to the fact that Quinne is extremely active and therefor burns those calories quickly.  I don't like that but I'll have to be ok with it.  And keep offering her anything and everything that's healthy and will plump her up.  It's weird having her fit into clothes for her age.  Her whole baby life was spent in clothes three months older than her actual age.  But it's nice that she can wear an outfit more than two times now!  On the teeth count I can count nine.  There might be more but I'm not willing to have my fingers bitten off to find out.  

talk talk
You can watch her all day and see how hard she's trying to get words out.  It's the cutest thing to see.  There's a seriousness about her and she points and rambles until she feels she got her point across.  Words like mama and dada are there but she rarely uses them.  Words like No and Stop are her favorite ones.  Friends say this is totally normal, it's just weird to see a tiny girl yell "SSsss opp" at the dogs.  We talk to her about everything, explain what we are doing and where we are going and it has really started to click.  If you say let's go change your diaper she walks right to her room.  Or bath time sends her running to the bathroom.  It's so neat seeing her pick up on all that we repeat day in and day out.  Sometimes the repetition is annoying, but then I remind myself that this is how she'll learn and it makes it all worth it.  

 


eat
Like I said, I feel as if she doesn't chow down when we offer her food.  Once in a great while she will finish all her dinner and both of us make such a big deal about it!  Clapping, cheering dancing you name it.  Her breakfast lately has been g/f toast with almond butter and sliced banana.  Lunch is usually noodles and some veggie, or leftovers and dinner is whatever we're eating.  I try to give her what we eat.  Not too much catering is going on and I hope this expands her taste buds while also teaches her not to expect something different from us.  Of course, when we eat salmon she gets mac and cheese.  And we both steal from her.  

learning 

Everyday Quinne is discovering something new.  It's so fun to watch and also terrifying.  She has gotten quite good at climbing and that makes my stomach hurt.  Before you know it she is sitting on the kitchen table.  It happens so fast, like she's some magician baby or something!  I can never turn my back on her.  Getting chores done these days is basically impossible.  

She is in a destructive mode.  Tearing all books and toys from the shelves.  Making messes is the name of the game.  

favorites
Adventures, adventures, adventures!  Q loves to be out exploring and running around.  Days inside turn into fits and boredom.  She loves and needs to be outside.  It makes days together so fun.  When we're not enjoying the sunshine she likes to play with the doggies and destroy the house.  So, we're outside a lot.

it's warming up!

 And summer can't come soon enough.  I love these days watching Q explore.  She is so inquisitive and curious we could be out all day.  Too bad nap time puts a stop to that.  David had an unexpected day off so we took full advantage of him!

8/ 52

"a portrait of my husband each week for a year"

This dad sure knows how to have fun at a park.  He loves playing with his little Quinney bear.  This makes me so happy.  

Here are all the other portraits playing!

More and when

I have a large amount of people asking me if we're going to have more babies.  And if so when, how many more, will you still work, and the list goes on.  It's all together too much.  I get so overwhelmed and normally say something like " ha! not anytime soon!!"  Not what people expect to hear and usually laugh because I'm so intense about my answer.

To be honest I'm really scared to have another baby.  I'm so scared to loose all my time I give to Quinne.  She is my baby and a part of me wants her to be my only baby forever.  The thought of her being sad or alone, feeling neglected or ignored makes me sick to my stomach.  And each day we are getting better and better at being her parents.  Learning how to work together and finally feeling a little bit of peace.  All things that I am selfish about giving up.

Being pregnant was one of the worst times for me.  I hated it.  As a mom those are blasphemous words.  You're supposed to love the changing body you don't recognize anymore and have an abundance of joy and peace.  My experience didn't come close to what I thought pregnancy would hold for me.   I was uncomfortable and totally crazy.  I wanted to cry and scream over the smallest things and have never been so sick in all my life.  Why the heck would I want to do that again?!  With a little one that is nonstop from the second she wakes up no thank you.

Truth is I do want more.  I love siblings and the idea of growing old with a big family has always been something I dreamed about.  I was one of those dummies who said I wanted 4 kids and now laugh thinking about how crazy that would be for me.  I know I only want be pregnant one more time.  If that changes down the road we'll figure out what is right for all of us.  Adoption is something that David and I seriously talk about and we have been reading some books on adoption and what that looks like to us.  It's really exciting and totally scary.  But we both feel called to it and it's on our hearts so that has to mean something, right?

A bigger family is in our future, I just can't give an exact time.  We aren't that set on our kids being a specific age apart and I know I have some healing to do before I start all over again.  Until then we are going to enjoy all these moments with Quinne.  Cherishing every day that we are together.  Because I know one day things won't be this way.  Just the three of us.

bits + pieces

the bed head// new friend.  an anteater// i spy a pig among the sheep// a mama and baby V day surprise// barking at the dogs//  after nap time snack and silliness// lemon mint infused water for work// a baby joining us at the table. 

kid president, yes please

David sent me this a little bit ago.  I was folding my dreaded laundry and took a second to watch it.  I was dying.  This kid is so cute I want to squeeze him.  It was inspirational and touching.  I was laughing and then had tears in my eyes.  So, watch and feel happy!

Happy Monday!!

7/ 52

This picture has me laughing.  David is sensitive to the sun in his eyes in a big way.  Obviously!  Even when he's not trying I have a smile on my face. 

run your heart out

For most people January first is the kick off to get in shape and cut out almost everything in our diets.  I on the other hand took January and decided to be lazy and eat whatever I wanted.  Like I didn't get enough sugar from the months of October through December.  And going for more than a walk to the park made me want to hide away under the blankets and watch another rerun of Gilmore Girls.  Totally pathetic.  I was so irritable and grumpy and felt pretty crummy about myself.  Exercise is something I value and respect but for one reason or another I couldn't get my feet to push it pass a shuffle.  Sometimes I feel alone in the 'workout department', and find it hard to motivate myself.  David isn't keen on exercise, which would make it easier but I can't rely on someone else to get me moving.

So a couple of weeks ago I forced myself to stop baking just for the sake of pleasing my sweet tooth.  (I have a very serious addiction to sugar.  I swear it's an addiction!  I go crazy around 8 pm, searching the kitchen for anything remotely sweet, only to find nothing because the smart part of me doesn't buy treats.  I hate that person at 8:04 when I've resorted to eat plain greek yogurt with honey.).  I'm trying to eat healthy and fresh and organic.  Whenever I feel like I'm itching for sugar I make a cup of tea, which is in NO way the same but it's mind over matter, and try do busy myself.  I sound like I'm trying to ween myself off of meth.  But seriously I have a problem!!

Along with that I'm working out and it is sooo good!  I'm sure I look pretty sad out there trotting along to Justin Bieber, but each day I feel stronger and go longer.  I have always turned to running and it hasn't disappointed me yet.  I'm grateful to my legs and lungs and feet.  They are brave and kick butt.  I encourage anyone feeling in the dumps to tie those tennies and get moving.  It's hard at first, really hard but I promise it pays off!  I feel strong mentally and physically and for that I'm thankful.

the snow...

you and me both, baby

Our family of three headed up to Bass Lake with our friends to enjoy a weekend away.  It's close (well, sort of) and it was a free cabin, so we couldn't pass up this opportunity.  I imagined the snow from inside a warm house.  I never really thought it through, and was annoyed at myself for thinking it would be a piece of cake.  On our drive up there Quinne threw up three times.  Three!!!  It was so crazy and so sad for her.  The smell mad me gag and of course cry.  I was anxious about driving into the snow and basically everything and anything you could be anxious about.  We left way later than planned, Quinne was sick and not napping, it was pouring outside and I had too much coffee.  All things normal people would let go, but for someone crazy it's not that easy.  We pulled up to the cabin and I freaked out about the amount of snow, no chains for our tires and the hill we would have to walk up to reach our final destination.  I was hysterical and yelling at David about who knows what, then realized she had thrown up again and lost it.  Full blown crying, a real life hot mess train wreck.  Thank goodness for bedtime and a glass of wine!

Day two, all seven of us crammed into our friends van in search for hills to slide down on.  Three car seats and four adults is a lot, and I was in the way back holding back my own barf.  I get nauseous easily and with no air and windy roads it was a disaster waiting to happen.  I ended up squatting on the floor in between the front seats to regroup.  After a long long drive around the lake and then up to the mountains of Yosemite we finally made it to Fish Camp.  What a gross name.  Only to have Quinne throw up all over the place one mile from our destination.  It was bad.  I was crying, again, and it was seriously freezing cold.  The kids were dying to get out of the car, we were all starving and here was Quinne naked and screaming.  Not to mention I was wearing boots that weighed ten pounds each and moved around like an robot from so many layers.  Kill me.  The 'play place' was some weird long closed off road covered in snow.  The wind was blowing frozen pieces of stuff at us and my fingers were burning from being so damn cold.  Q was inconsolable and therefore wouldn't let me put her down.  I think I ate four grapes total.  Amy and I were dying laughing that we drove over an hour only to sit in the freezing cold and eat grapes with babies crying all around us.

Hopefully if we ever do this again we will learn from our mistakes.  Maybe David will take the babe out and I'll stay back pretending to be Martha Stewart, sipping on something hot and spiked.  It was a wild weekend.  But through all the mayhem it really was beautiful up there.  The air is so crisp and clean.  The trees are covered in perfect white snow.  And I was reminded once again how blessed I am to live where we do.  With no snow.

cabin fever

Theo tumbled out

ready to go!

the saddest :(

Parker.  The only one sad to leave

Until next year(?)...

6/ 52

"A portrait of my husband every day for a year"

We were in the snow this past weekend.  My fingers were burning from the cold and I had a permanent runny nose that only got worse when I rubbed my fat, wet mittens against my face.  So my camera was tucked safe away from the extreme weather, as were my fingers.  This is one of the only shots I got of David, it's totally lame but good thing I have 45 more weeks to redeem myself.

I think it's safe to say that I hate the snow.  So does Quinne.  More on our weekend later this week.  For tonight I'm going to sit in front of the t.v. and look out the window at the snow-less ground.

5/ 52

This weeks portrait is coming to you live from the Super Bowl.  Well, our living room watching the Super Bowl.  David is the BBQ man. Any time we have a party or hangout David can be found in front of the BBQ, beer in hand flipping some delicious meat around.  Or veggie burgers.

 If you could hear what was going on through this picture it would've been a lot of yelling and my dad commentating the whole game.  Annoying but that's how it always is, so I guess we're used to it.  We are a group of 49ers fans so it's a sad night in this house.  At least the food was good.