Wednesday, February 20, 2013

More and when

I have a large amount of people asking me if we're going to have more babies.  And if so when, how many more, will you still work, and the list goes on.  It's all together too much.  I get so overwhelmed and normally say something like " ha! not anytime soon!!"  Not what people expect to hear and usually laugh because I'm so intense about my answer.

To be honest I'm really scared to have another baby.  I'm so scared to loose all my time I give to Quinne.  She is my baby and a part of me wants her to be my only baby forever.  The thought of her being sad or alone, feeling neglected or ignored makes me sick to my stomach.  And each day we are getting better and better at being her parents.  Learning how to work together and finally feeling a little bit of peace.  All things that I am selfish about giving up.

Being pregnant was one of the worst times for me.  I hated it.  As a mom those are blasphemous words.  You're supposed to love the changing body you don't recognize anymore and have an abundance of joy and peace.  My experience didn't come close to what I thought pregnancy would hold for me.   I was uncomfortable and totally crazy.  I wanted to cry and scream over the smallest things and have never been so sick in all my life.  Why the heck would I want to do that again?!  With a little one that is nonstop from the second she wakes up no thank you.

Truth is I do want more.  I love siblings and the idea of growing old with a big family has always been something I dreamed about.  I was one of those dummies who said I wanted 4 kids and now laugh thinking about how crazy that would be for me.  I know I only want be pregnant one more time.  If that changes down the road we'll figure out what is right for all of us.  Adoption is something that David and I seriously talk about and we have been reading some books on adoption and what that looks like to us.  It's really exciting and totally scary.  But we both feel called to it and it's on our hearts so that has to mean something, right?

A bigger family is in our future, I just can't give an exact time.  We aren't that set on our kids being a specific age apart and I know I have some healing to do before I start all over again.  Until then we are going to enjoy all these moments with Quinne.  Cherishing every day that we are together.  Because I know one day things won't be this way.  Just the three of us.

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