planes and emotions

I had been anxious to fly with Quinne the moment our trip became a reality and we purchased the tickets that would get us to our friends in Minneapolis.  Weeks prior I started mentally preparing myself and trying to calm myself down anyway possible.  My friends and clients all told me it would be great and not a problem at all.  So, I started to believe them.  The nights leading to our departure I was able to sleep and felt confident that I was just overreacting.  We got to Santa Barbara airport on time and all I could do was drink coffee and pray this was going to be ok.  Quinne was her cute self and in a good mood leading up to the flight.  And then we entered the plane.

Basically what you don't ever want to happen with your kid on a plane did.  She went nuts.  Totally and completely nuts.  And it wasn't out of fear(I'm sure of it), just the fact that we wouldn't let her pull the man in front of our seats hair, or that she had to sit on one of our laps like a good girl.  Quinne also refuses to sleep if it's not in her 'perfect sleep routine' that I have created.  Come to find out I created a monster and regretted my consistency and discipline the second we took off into the sky.  A bottle wouldn't soothe her, snacks made her extra pissed and the Max and Ruby shows I downloaded sent her into a fit of rage.  We had a mad, red-faced baby on our hands and I lost it big time.  Blanket over my head I let out a cry that had been waiting to come out for days and days.  So much anxiety and nerves poured out of me and I could barely breath.  The plane was suffocating me and I was a failure.  Every inch of me wanted to call it quits and run home.  I wanted to yell at Quinne for being so crazy.  I felt like the worst human on the planet.  I was a bad mom, and couldn't handle this one stressful situation like a good mom would.  My mind raced all over, my jaw locked and I had the insane urge to punch something.  In that moment I was never going to have another baby.  I would never be able to recover from my postpartum or control my anger and anxiety.  This mom who was literally right across from us had four little girls.  Two they adopted and two she had.  All were under six years old.  She had it together, looked calm and collected and in that moment I wanted to kick my own ass up and down the isle for being such a loser.

I'm not sure how long it took me to control my crazy, but when I took the blanket off my hot wet face David was standing in the back of the plane with Quinne in hand.  He had ordered me a bottle of wine and there were two cups on the tray.  I was so relieved to be alone for a brief moment.  I wiped my makeup that had ended up on my neck and began breathing slowly, opening the bottle of wine and wishing drinking it with a straw was acceptable.  Once I was able to say a complete sentence without choking up and tears pooling in my eyes I started to reflect on my anxiety and my all-over-the-place emotions.  Why can't I control what is going on inside of me after all this time?  I think my biggest question is if I'm the only mom who feels this way.  Talking about the side that's not pretty and put together makes me nervous, but it's what I'm faced with and it's my reality.  After I took a long look at the trip I realized I struggle and that's ok.  I love Quinne more than life, and obviously I would never hurt her.  I have yelled at her before, and I'm so sad about it.  My frustration and anger get the better of me sometimes and I'm always heartbroken over my first reactions.  Being a mom is hard and I was faced with accepting the fact that I'm not very good at it yet.  Maybe I'll never be really good at it, all I can do is give my every breath towards becoming better and stronger.

It's hard to look at yourself and see the struggles you face.  It's extra hard to accept them and learn how to move forward.  All I can do is keep going and pray for another chance to make things right.  To become stronger and more in control.  To be the mom I believe I can be one day.  I suppose I should thank Frontier Airlines for showing me that I have a lot of work to do still.(haha)