Friday, March 23, 2012

before i forget forever (im sorry its so long)...

I waited almost six months to write about Quinnes birth.  In a way I'm happy I waited, because so many memories have revisited me since that day(s) and I want to share all the details.  Hopefully one day Quinne will like to read this, and not be grossed out.  

I can remember the day I went into labor perfectly.  Partly because I was almost two weeks late so I was praying for that moment to come sooner than later.  And because I didn't enjoy being pregnant, so I was praying for that moment to come sooner than later!  I had gotten up to go to the bathroom for the millionth time around four in the morning and on my way back to bed I peed my pants.  So I thought.  I was so tired and at that point convinced that I was going to be pregnant forever.  I went back to sleep and was woken up by a gush of water.  Yep, my water was breaking.  Wooo!  It was six thirty now and I told David what was going on.  We decided to wait and call the doctor when his office opens at eight thirty since I wasn't in too much pain and my contractions were not consistent.  I had thought about how I wanted this birth to go and being at home as long as possible was the plan.  Hospitals make my knees weak and my mouth go dry.  I hate them.  So if I could prolong the inevitable I was going to.  When we got ahold of our doctor he said to take it easy and call back at one to report my progress.  I couldn't believe it.  I was in labor.  My contractions were mild and I could go about my morning without too much discomfort.  David and I decided to go for a walk to get things moving.  We walked up really steep hills and talked about how excited we were.  We were about to have a baby!  That's so crazy.  After our walk we met up with some of our friends at a coffee shop to kill time.  I remember sitting there joking about the fact that I was in labor and hanging out with everyone.  And every time I laughed a gush of water would escape.  Good thing for huge jumbo pads.  It was nearing one so we headed home and called the doctor.  Since not much had changed he was concerned about infections.  Once your water breaks contractions have up to twenty four hours to start or infections can happen which is not good.  And if they don't start medical intervention happens.  I wasn't against interventions, but I really wanted to have everything happen naturally(i mean who doesn't?).  A c-section really scared me and so did pitocin.  Our doctor said to meet him at the hospital at four so I could be closely monitored.  At this point I was in a la la state of mind.  I really thought that this labor thing is pretty easy.  I could handle this.  Total dummy.  I had know idea what I was in for!  David and I packed up our fur babies and drove the thirty minutes to my parents house to drop them off.  My dad was home waiting for us and it was nice to relax with him before heading to the hospital.  Then it was time to go.  He hugged and kissed me and I let him know we'll call as soon as there's news.  And we were off.  I didn't think much of going to the hospital.  I actually thought we were going to see the doctor and he was going to let me go back home and return when things started to happen.  Again such an idiot.  I strolled into the hospital carefree and casual, leaving all our bags and wallet, and everything in the car.  The nurse admitted me into a room and asked if I wanted a robe or to stay in my clothes.  Wait? What?? Why would I change into a robe if I was just going to change back to leave?  You probably think I'm a dummy right.  My exact words were " wait, I'm here to stay?"  and the nurse laughed and said, "ya, you're not leaving without a baby!".  Crap.  My plan has been derailed.  Instant freak out.  But really what was I expecting?  Who knows, but I think right then this was all real and there was going to be a baby coming out of me that I was going to take home forever.  I bent over and cried.  This was just the first of many breakdowns to come in the next twenty four hours.   

So the next eight hours are uneventful.  I was just sitting in a hospital bed bored.  The fetal heart rate monitor strapped to my belly itched and my hair smelt bad.  Why didn't I wash it and style it when I was at home?  In hindsight I would've done a few thing differently.  Trying to sleep was a joke.  Someone was always coming in and checking something and my nerves were making sleep really hard.  At one in the morning the nurses were ordered to start me on Pitocin.  I dreaded getting that stuff.  I had heard horror stories of Pitocin and how crazy your contracions can be.  I was scared.  Pitocin is synthetic oxytocin.  Oxytocin is the hormone that makes you contract.  A normal and crucial part of labor.  Without oxytocin you wouldn't contract or dilate.  My body was refusing to contract and dilate.  So they hooked me up to this thing with wheels and poked me with a bunch of needles.  Being on Pitocin confines you to a three feet by three feet area.  You have to be hooked up to the monitor the whole time and if you must use the bathroom you are allowed to unplug yourself, but only for a ten minute maximum break.  Boo.  Being confined in bed was the worst and if I needed to go pee David had to unplug what seemed like fifteen cords and push this massive wheeling drug distributing thing behind me.  Annoying.  I thought about just peeing in bed.  On top of that when you're on this stuff you have to get your blood pressure read every thirty minutes.  Talk about no sleep!  

At eight thirty the next morning my mom showed up.  It was so good to see her.  The three of us sat around all morning.  We watched reruns of the Office and Parks and Rec.  David took walks outside and my mom read.  So boring.  Our doctor came in to check on me and was concerned that there wasn't any progress.  My contractions were mild still.  I was checked and they informed me that I was only dilated to 1cm.  Not so hot.  And I cried. 

Around one in the afternoon while Davids family was visiting I started to feel uncomfortable.  I was switching sides and getting out of bed to sit on my yoga ball hoping to get in a better position, but nothing was working.  I told David that his parents needed to leave.  I wasn't feeling normal and I wanted it to just be him and my mom.  Soon after they left my contractions stared to really pick up.  I was bending over the bed on that ball rocking back and forth.  I had no warning or ease into this horrible pain.  I literally went from no contractions to full blown hard contractions within fifteen minutes.  Then the moaning happened.  I turned into an animal in distress and there was nothing I could do to stop it.  The only thing that sort of felt good was moaning.  And biting Davids hand.  Sorry David.  I remember the nurse walking into the room and saying "Now that sounds like a woman in labor".  Shizz.  Not only was I moaning but it was loud.  She told me that the Pitocin was as high as it could go and my body was responding fast to the medicine.  I was having contractions on top of contractions.  I would have about ten seconds in between these bad boys.  The next few hours are a huge, painful blur.  David and my mom took turns rubbing my lower back (Quinne was sideways in the birth canal and was causing bad back labor).  I got up and sat on the toilet for ten minutes at a time.  Laying on my back was the worst, therefore was on that ball for hours.  

Sometime after five my doctor came back to check on me.  I was at 3cm.  THREE?!?! I was so sad and pissed.  I thought for sure I was at a five or more.  I had another breakdown.  Hysterical crying that I couldn't stop.  My doctor took my hand and told me that this is a long process and sometimes the baby doesn't move down and sometimes it ends up being a cesarean and blah blah blah... I had blacked out.  Not really!  I just felt so defeated I didn't want to hear anything he was saying.  That's when we decided to get an epidural.  Well I did anyways.  David told me I was crying and saying I was a wiener for wanting an epidural.  Over and over calling myself a wiener.  If getting an epidural is being a wiener than I am a proud wiener.  It saved my life as far as I'm concerned.  

An hour more went by and when the anesthesiologist arrived I was so relieved.  I had accepted the fact that this was happening and couldn't have been happier.  But of course as soon as he leaves I realize it only worked on my left side and my right foot.  Cool.  Another hour goes by with awkward unsymmetrical pain.  He comes back and injects a concentrated form of the drug right into the catheter.  Bam! instant numbness.  It was weird and sort of freaked me out.  I thought that if someone were to saw my leg off right now I wouldn't feel a thing.  So sick.  What was cool is that my body was able to relax and therefore I was dilating quickly.  Good news finally.  After I barfed and then dry heaved for ten minutes of course.  

The time is seven p.m.  I called my sister and dad to say that this baby was coming soon.  My sister opted out of being in the room when the baby came, and I totally understand.  Then we called our good friends Amy and Taryn.  I asked them to come.  I was scared and wanted them to talk to me and reassure me.  They both have two kids and I needed and wanted them there.  And by eight they were in our room!  Amy telling jokes and making everyone laugh.  Taryn encouraging me and promising everything was ok.  

Around nine thirty my epidural was wearing off and I could feel pressure and pain again.  I chose not to push that button once I got that intense shoot up.  I wanted to feel when it was time to push.  I remember looking at Taryn and saying that there was weird pressure in my bum.  Like I wanted to poo.  She said that was good.  We called the nurse and she informed me that I was fully dilated and asked me to do a practice push.  Apparently I was good at pushing!  She yelled at me to stop and not to push again.  Our doctor was getting his scrubs on and they were still setting up the room for our baby.  At this point I am so excited I can't handle it.  They moved my bed so I was sitting up and took off the end of it to deliver this baby.  Amy was at my head with our camera.  She also put my hair in a pony tail to get it out of my face.  What a sweet friend.  My mom had my left leg and Taryn had my right.  David was down by the doctor ready to help deliver the baby.  When I was told I could push I pushed with all my might.  I kept my eyes closed and focused on holding my breath and pushing.  Taryn was counting out loud for me.  She was constantly telling me what a good job I was doing.  I couldn't have done it without her.  I only pushed for thirty minutes.  Then everyone was cheering.  I opened my eyes to see  David holding this tiny little person and bringing it to my chest.  My mom was crying, of course and it all happened so fast.  I forgot that we didn't find out what we were having and I didn't care at all at that moment.  I was so happy to be done.  I wasn't pregnant anymore.  I could finally relax.  People were yelling "its a girl!!!" and I was overwhelmed.  I had a daughter.  It was total joy.  I was so happy to be a mom to a baby girl!  (I secretly thought it was a girl the whole time ).   Words cannot express what happens when you finally deliver your baby.  Moms used to try and tell me how powerful it is and I would nod and say "oh im sure" or something like that, because I really didn't know.  I didn't know that everything else in the world fads away.  You don't realize your'e getting stitches "down there".  You don't care that the nurse is tearing your shirt off so you can start breastfeeding.  Or that you look like a puffy hot mess (well, not everyone does but I looked crazy).  All that matters is that brand new baby in your arms.  I will never forget seeing Quinnes face for the first time, touching those perfect small ears. 

 I'm incredibly blessed to have had the people closest to me in our room that night.  It was a perfect night and I wouldn't change a thing about it.  I would do it all over in an instant.  I love that on Tuesday October 11th at 10:30 p.m. I became a mom forever.  I love you to the moon my sweet baby Quinne...

1 comment:

  1. such a beautiful story!! i'm crying again! you did amazing and i will never forget that night!!! love you!