Monday, March 19, 2012

mr. sandman bring Quinne a dream..

Before I got pregnant sleep was one of my top three favorite things to do.  Along with sipping dirty martinis with extra olives and being able to start and finish a book in a week.  Sleep was something I looked forward to and took advantage of.  I could sleep in until ten everyday if I could.  There's something so magical about being buried in a pile of extra comfy blankets, pants tucked into your socks for extra warmth(is that something only my friend Taryn and I do??) that cannot be replaced my anything else in the world.  If I was grumpy David loved to joke and ask if I got my full ten hours of sleep the night before.  I think you get the picture, I love sleep.  Beautiful, deep sleep.

Then I got pregnant and had insomnia.  What a mean, horrible thing that is.  I wouldn't wish insomnia on anyone.  It messes with your head and makes you feel like you are going crazy.  I would live in a foggy haze the day after a restless night.  I hated it.  I hated not sleeping and therefore was a giant jerk that cried all the time.

Present day.  My five and a half month old doesn't sleep.  I am going on a year of no sleep.  I realize that moms everywhere are in the same boat, and I'm not a special case when it comes to sleepless nights.  I'm just having an extra hard time dealing with it.  I feel defeated every morning when I'm making a full pot of coffee for one.  I don't understand what I'm doing wrong that makes Quinne wake up every night six or more times.  Ya that's right, she wakes up on average six times a night still.  We swaddle her with this crazy straight jacket blanket every night.  She has her soothing rain noise playing.  Nothing is working.  She manages to break free from her straight jacket and I'm starting to think she has learned to block out soothing white noises.  And when she wakes up she stays up talking, then crying sometimes both at the same time.  I want to shoot myself in the face.  It's a nightmare.

I know that all babies are different, but it seems like everyone I talk to tells me their baby has been sleeping since they were three months old or they never really had issues with sleep.  Either they are liars or really lucky.  I want to believe they are lucky.  I feel desperate to figure this out and am tempted to start some sort of sleep training now.  I have Dr. Weissbluths book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child and have read most of it.  He approaches sleep with a nice version of CIO(cry it out).  I'm torn.  The thought of her CIOing breaks my heart into a million pieces.  Yet, thinking of her sleeping through the night and taking naps sounds pretty amazing.  Major anxiety!!  I want to do what is right for Quinne.  I want her to learn how to sleep, and fall back asleep on her own, but are we ready for a strict method?  Is she ready?  I'm so confused.  I'm trying not to be selfish when I weigh my options.  I want to be a good mom.  Selfless and patient.  Strong and willing to do whatever it takes to make sure Quinne is ok.  I'm just getting to the end of my rope.

I know that this will pass.  At least I try to remind myself that when I'm imagining how satisfying it would be to throw our dishes against the wall.  Every night when I nurse Quinne I pray for patience.  I pray that I will have peace and love in my heart when I have to wake up in a few hours.  I know there is a lesson in all of this, it's just really hard to see it when I can't keep my eyes open.  No pun intended!  What did you do to help your baby sleep better?

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