on being a parent

There are so many emotions and feeling that come with being a parent.  You are instantly thrown into a world of emotions you didn't even know existed before having your baby.  Of course there are the happy, joyful ones that you assume come with being a mom or dad.  The ones that you see on commercials and hear about from moms at the park or anywhere that is a public place and people may be listening and judging.  The ones that catch you by surprise are the anxious and alarming ones.  I have spent countless nights in a panic mode, not being able to relax enough to drift off to sleep.

Last night I read a really sad, heartbreaking story of a family that lost their little boy from a washing machine accident.  I was reading on Love Chugs last night and Tiffany Hebbs story broke my heart into a million pieces.  You can go and read her story, and keep a tissue handy because you will need it.  It's overwhelming to think that a regular day can turn into a horror story instantly.  I couldn't get her out of my head and as I went to bed I broke down.  I was sobbing for a stranger who lost someone so special and irreplaceable.  Someone I will never meet brought so many tears and made me want to reach out and lay a hand on her.  Just to let her know I am thinking and praying for her.

When I woke up I was groggy from a crappy nights sleep and so was David.  After telling him what I read and crying my eyes out he wasn't able to sleep either.  We both were so saddened and heavy from the thought of losing our own baby.  You can't put into words the worry and fear that comes from being a parent.  The nonstop thoughts and what ifs that suffocate you at times.  My stomach aches from worry and deep down I know this isn't going to help or make things better.  I know that I can't control the things that happen to Quinne, or what will happen to her as much as I want to.  As much as I plead and beg God to protect her I know that's not how it works.  I'm scared of that realization.  I'm so scared of losing her.  I'm scared of the unknown, and having faith in our future.  I don't understand it and I suppose that's when having faith is the most important, when you don't understand the things that happen to us.  My battle from fear, anxiety and panic is far from over.  My love for my daughter is so strong and big I can barely comprehend it.  It's the greatest weight I've ever carried, in the best way imaginable.  I've been given the greatest gift and that terrifies me to the deepest places in my heart.

A few things that have helped me with my struggles are things that I chant in my head.  I'm a broken record willing myself to calm down and breath.  I read that we choose to be negative, positive, stubborn, you get it.  And it takes a lot of practice to become a positive, anxiety free person.  Which is a million times easier to say than do.  But I try and hope one day it pays off.  

- Chose to pray more
- Chose to be thankful
- Chose to dwell on the positive