A small little sentence that has taken me just about thirty years to accept and do.
It seems like something that I should've realized a long time ago. Something that has always rung through my ears and heart but with little action on my part. It's a very safe and true statement to say that I am a people pleaser. Rarely do I defend myself when I know I'm not the one in the wrong, saying sorry over and over until I can't say it enough. I want to be everyones friend and I want everyone to think that I'm a good person. Because, to tell you the truth, I am a good friend and a good person. I have many many flaws just like the next person but that doesn't make me bad or wrong. I have made so many mistakes it gives me a stomach ache, but I can't go back in time to fix them. We are only left with the lesson we hopefully learned and a new chance to start over.
I am thankful that each day is new. I am thankful that my past has brought me to this exact place in time. I feel like I have aged twenty years in just a month. Things that I have been questioning and looking for answers to have shown themselves to me. I feel wise and confident about my future. I know not everyone is going to like me throughout my life and I can't be everyones friend. But for those that I get to have relationships with I desire them to be strong, uplifting relationships. I feel a change in my heart of who I want to be from here on out. I want to be someone people can come to for encouragement and a hug. I want to be wise. I want to ignore petty, hurtful things that come my way and remember I am a good person with a good heart.
I'm challenging myself to stop dwelling on the past and the weight that is on my heart. So often I forget that I am a good person who loves her family and friends fiercely. I would give my life for a friend. The shirt off my back. It's so easy to run yourself into the ground and let hurtful things eat away at you. The insecurities of others can be a vicious tool in bringing you down. Sadly, I have let my own insecurities hurt relationships and many times peoples insecurities have hurt me deeply. I'm looking for a fresh start and wanting to stay true to myself and who I want to be. I owe that to myself. And I owe it to Quinne, or any other kids we may have someday. To be strong and not waiver who you are for the sake of making other people happy.
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