Friday, June 14, 2013

life lessons

Stop caring about what other people think of you.  

A small little sentence that has taken me just about thirty years to accept and do.

It seems like something that I should've realized a long time ago.  Something that has always rung through my ears and heart but with little action on my part.  It's a very safe and true statement to say that I am a people pleaser.  Rarely do I defend myself when I know I'm not the one in the wrong, saying sorry over and over until I can't say it enough.  I want to be everyones friend and I want everyone to think that I'm a good person.  Because, to tell you the truth, I am a good friend and a good person.  I have many many flaws just like the next person but that doesn't make me bad or wrong.  I have made so many mistakes it gives me a stomach ache, but I can't go back in time to fix them.  We are only left with the lesson we hopefully learned and a new chance to start over.

I am thankful that each day is new.  I am thankful that my past has brought me to this exact place in time.  I feel like I have aged twenty years in just a month.  Things that I have been questioning and looking for answers to have shown themselves to me.  I feel wise and confident about my future.  I know not everyone is going to like me throughout my life and I can't be everyones friend.  But for those that I get to have relationships with I desire them to be strong, uplifting relationships.  I feel a change in my heart of who I want to be from here on out.  I want to be someone people can come to for encouragement and a hug.  I want to be wise.  I want to ignore petty, hurtful things that come my way and remember I am a good person with a good heart.

I'm challenging myself to stop dwelling on the past and the weight that is on my heart.  So often I forget that I am a good person who loves her family and friends fiercely.  I would give my life for a friend.  The shirt off my back.  It's so easy to run yourself into the ground and let hurtful things eat away at you.  The insecurities of others can be a vicious tool in bringing you down.  Sadly,  I have let my own insecurities hurt relationships and many times peoples insecurities have hurt me deeply.  I'm looking for a fresh start and wanting to stay true to myself and who I want to be.  I owe that to myself.  And I owe it to Quinne, or any other kids we may have someday.  To be strong and not waiver who you are for the sake of making other people happy.

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